Dear Misery

Hi, it’s done, it’s easy once you know the password! Ya, I had a few problems, only took a few days to sort out. A small price however in this age of expediency hey? Not the first time I’ve had to deal with an e-mail transfer. They don’t come along that often and the trouble is always the same. First I forget the password to get into my online banking, so I guess once, twice and three times. Then I’m out. Next option – Forgot Password? You get a “Go to Jail” card. Guilty until proven innocent. I need to answer questions to prove my identity. Identify my first dog, identify where my first job was, identify my first car, what’s my mother’s maiden name. I generally score 99% on this part, but anything less than 100% is not recognized by a machine. A capital letter or hyphen is left out and then I have to contact a real human who then asks me questions I can’t answer, like how much money is in our chequeing account, (one of three chequeing and eight other different accounts and umpteen savings vehicles laughingly called investments) which I don’t know because our records are all online. So I guess…. no good, then we go to the next step which is to ask what was the last cheque written on the account and how much, which I don’t know because my wife writes the cheques, I never use it. II ask the real human to pause while I ask my wife and he objects, it must be me, now, here, on the telephone… so I guess, Fortunately I do remember one thing about all that – we only use the cheque book to write cheques to our church. We’re Catholic and we don’t give a lot ( we’re strong on tradition here) and I suspect she’s been writing out $15 to $20 cheques weekly for some years now. I’m close.( we gave less) Then the human gives me a temporary password.

An hour has passed now and supper’s on the table. I try one last time to get into online banking and I’m successful, so I’m given enough time to change my temporary password to what I thought it originally should have been, no problem, I’ve had that password for years so let’s just change it back. Who in the hell altered it in the first place? After supper with just 10 minutes to go before I go to a very important meeting ( actually I play old timers Hockey) I bring up the e-mail with the transfer link. So I go through the process and when I enter the keyword to the question it’s wrong. Try it three different ways. I may have been told but I forgot. Game over – “tilt”! Lost my dime. Come back tomorrow! Just enough time to shoot off an e-mail to clarify that answer. Who would have thought you’d put the two names together without a space?

So now it’s tomorrow and armed with a new password ( my regular one really) and the correct answer to the question I got on the “ electronic time saver” and accomplished it within a few minutes, which it how it should work. My problem is that I have 63 passwords for different things and I’m damned if I can remember either of them except the one for my telephone message service – only that because I use it five times daily to retrieve important directives from telemarketers.

I won’t get into my problems with an ageing computer, (it’s 7) old programming (it’s all 7 too) and my new scanner / fax / printer. Jeeses jesses jeeses. In fact that’s one of my passwords! Yes! Really! Out of frustration after trying to set up a g-mail account and finding every password I tried had been taken! I was at it for 40 minutes when I typed that in and submitted it! Who’d have thought it? Nobody has ever claimed that password until now. I don’t use g-mail anyway but I had to have it to go use Google hangout to complete an interview. Did I mention how important that interview was? I haven’t used Google hangout since either! Do you suppose I should hang on to that password? I don’t remember it anyway. Always I heed the advice – I never write the password down, it could end up being seen by somebody else and used for nefarious purposes! Do you realize how many important transactions are done on Google Hangout every day? I didn’t!

We’re likely going to need a password to die. Not only that you’ve got a few billion dying ahead of you and all the obvious choices will be used up. I don’t want to raise undue concern however you might want to be thinking about it now just to get a jump on it.

With the greatest concern for humanity and a touch of something approaching cynicism



  1. I gave up coffee for three weeks quite recently, and was purchasing something from shoppers drug mart. For the life of me I could not recall the 1of 7 passwords I have for this particular card…so I said to the cashier “to many passwords in my head…” And paused, then looked to the guy that was behind me with a smile and said “and voices” his face:priceless

  2. Tom Solomon says:

    You wrote about Electricity. Is it time for a song about Technology? Welcome to the machine!

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